Special Guest Author Series: Buzzwords are for Buzztards

Written by Reid Penuel

By Guest Author Larry Peters, World Traveler, Genius, Lover, Hater, and All-around Hustler

I want everyone – worldwide – to join hands in some good old fashioned hate. For whom, you may ask? For anyone who uses the word “synergy.” I hate you. I don’t even know you and I hate your guts. And you and I both know that you hate yourself for using these kinds of words too. Because none of us know what they mean. America, we need some help. We’re speaking to each other in garbled platitudes while everyone has to pretend that: a) they know what they themselves are talking about; b) that the person listening has the foggiest idea of what we’re saying; and c) secretly hoping that no one asks us to respond to these words, or that we don’t mispronounce one of them and look like a bigger fool than we already are. That being said, below is a list – an instruction manual on what to do should you find yourself repeating any of this nonsense. Try it. You’ll love yourself for it.

You and I both know that you hate yourself for using these kinds of words too.

1) Datafication. Datafication? Seriously? I just had to ignore spellcheck 3 times for my computer to let me type it. Do you know why? Because it IS NOT A WORD. If you find yourself using this (made up) word, do the following: 1) Leave the situation. 2) Find a dark closet. 3) Close your eyes and mouth. 4) Stay there. Trust me, you’ll be doing all of us a favor.

2) Gamafication. I can make up words, too. Zebratulis. See? That’s off the cuff, and it blows gamafication out of the water. Plus, who wouldn’t want to see some zebratulis, whatever they are?

3) Disruptive Technology. Ok. Not technically “a” word. But it still fits. We used to call this “I made something awesome that makes your way of doing things obsolete because I’m smarter, better looking, and soon to be richer than you.” But now we’re victimizing the idiot with the idiot tool. Remember word processors? Those 4 ft. long machines that had a writing program that you could do literally nothing else on? George R. R. Martin uses a word processor. And it takes him 11 years to write one book. The solution when finding yourself using this is to simply glue your thumbs together. That’ll disrupt more than just your technology. And good luck with chopsticks.

4) Artisan. This is like some kind of esquire moniker that requires no certification whatsoever. I mean, who qualifies anyone to be an “artisan”? Because they say so? Go ahead and call yourself a doctor while you’re at it. You make sandwiches. That doesn’t make you an artisan.

5) Synergy. Do I even need to say anything about this one? Really? Come on, man.

6) Pivot. This is actually a real word. Or it used to be. It meant to rotate, or the central point around which something rotates – you know — a fulcrum. But now? There are far easier and more effective ways of showing that world that you’re a clown. My suggestion: dunce caps. And maybe a Scarlet “D” (you know, for Dipstick).

7) Data Mining. Isn’t this just what the normal world calls research? Oh, were you digging really deep? Not just reading, but actually digging through the covers of books to find that piece of information? Good for you. Put your shovel to good use and dig a hole to go crawl into.

I sincerely hope this helps. If you can’t get away from it, talk to the guys at 5ivecanons Advertising Agency. They’ll never blow smoke. All 5ivecanons does is streamline an innovative, holistic approach where they leverage you across the digital divide on cross platforms with a collaborative, analytical use of nanotechnology that immerses their clients in a sea of hyperlocal sustainability. And if you don’t know what that means for you and your business then I can’t help you.